Vampyre

 

June 1, 1929

New York

 

“This story is true.”

Those are the words Bram Stoker used when he presented his story called Dracula.

Strigoi, strega, demons, servants of Satan, owners of the night. Vampyre. They are real. Having just attended a screening for the silent picture Nosferatu, from Germany, I feel compelled to document my own knowledge on the subject.

I have always felt a connection to the vampyre. Do they bear the weight of the eternal curse or do they revel in the dark gift? It is all things and one. A solitary existence. How does it feel to outlive family, friends, lovers? To see empires rise and fall? To live forever.

I write today, in part, to record my gripe with the public’s knowledge of the vampyre. They are not so easy to kill. We read tales in dime novels of vampyres dying from the sun, from fire or from men piercing their hearts with a wooden stake or removing the head. It is dangerous to assume that a group of mortal men have any chance against a vampyre, let alone a coven. This Nosferatu turns into a pile of ashes when the sun rises on his face. This is madness! Every vampyre instinctively knows to avoid the sun and when to retreat to a box of native soil.

The vampyre has sight greater than the eagle and the owl, strength greater than twenty grizzly bears, speed greater than the cheetah and hearing that can pinpoint a single heartbeat in a crowd from a mile away. They can read minds and communicate telepathically with one another across oceans. They can seduce humans to become their thralls! Some even possess the gift of the cloud, to levitate. As wolves are to sheep, vampyres are to humans a hundredfold. It is folly to think one can catch a vampyre unawares.

How do I know this? You may be wondering. Not only have I read all publicly available materials on the subject, I have in my possession the memoir of an old world vampyre. My profession grants me access to many rare documents, trinkets, baubles and jewelry and that is all I will say on the matter.

I have read The Tale of The Vampyre Elise as written in her own hand in the year 1833 in Bordeaux. Elise was born 1541 to tenant farmers in the French countryside. Her life ended at the age of 19, when a vampyre plagued her humble village. One thing Nosferatu got right is that the vampyre can easily and often devour entire communities under the guise of some new contagious affliction. Plague is the perfect cover for such bloodlust. At the sight of Elise, however, the vampyre who sucked the life from her mother and father was raptured by her beauty and decided to turn Elise into his own kind.

My purpose today is not to tell the story of Elise and the centuries she spent alone, cast aside by her master, forced to hunt in the darkness to satisfy her insatiable desire to drink the blood of life. No, my purpose is to proclaim my desire to become one of them. In reading her memoir, I have fallen in love with Elise. I want nothing more than to become immortal and share an eternity that in her arms would feel like the blink of an eye. I write these words in my diary, that I will share with no one, in hopes that Elise may one day feel the chords of my constant pining and requite my love. Come to me, my dear.

Yours forever,

Walter


June 6, 1929

New York

 

Master is calling. She hears my words. -W


October 10, 2024

New York

 

Hello World. I just found my old journal. Funny to see my writing from back then. I was such a simp.

I guess I’ll write what I’ve been up to since then. As I suspected, the vampire lifestyle suits me well. I like being nocturnal. I like not aging. My skin is fucking flawless. I can use illusion magic to fuck with people I don’t like. I was always kind of a lonely guy, but now I have an excuse and I love it. Elise abandoned me just like her master did to her but I don’t care because I’m a fucking vampire mother fuckers. I drink the blood of a human every single night bitches. I’m an apex predator. Once I’m full, I go home and play video games on my PC. I am so addicted to this game Satisfactory right now. I’ve already launched the last phase of the Space Elevator and now I’m just trying to make a really cool factory and hunt for all of the achievements on Steam. You know I like a good hunt.

Later,

Walt

Wire Mom

IMG_1822-3

I read about that study
where baby monkeys
were taken from their mothers

In isolation, they could pick
a wire mom or a cloth mom

It didn’t matter which had a bottle of milk
The babies chose the cloth mom

They picked comfort and affection over food
They ran to the cloth mother when they were scared
They stayed calm when frightened
Because they had a cloth mom

If the babies only had a wire mom
They paced around their cage
And hurt themselves

I had a wire mom
She was coarse and rigid
She would lash out and prick me
I didn’t feel safe
Even if I didn’t realize it at the time

It hurt

Now I’m a wire man
Cold, detached, pessimistic
My wire mom taught me how to hurt people
How to puncture and skewer

I think about those baby monkeys
Taken from their mothers
And the fear and loneliness they felt
They wanted warmth and comfort and safety
All things a wire mother can’t provide

Now I’m a wire man but I can choose to wear cloth
Over the wires
I’m not helpless like those poor baby monkeys

They only cage I have
Is the one I built for myself

The Time Machine


I stepped into a time machine six years ago

and now here I am.

I have little gray hairs in my beard.


The thing about time machines

is that you can’t see them.

They are kind of like holes and you should avoid holes if possible.

They are another way to get stuck.


The thing about time machines

is that you only realize you’ve been in a time machine

when you come out the other side.


Time machines make you think about what is a life

and how should a life be spent.

Is time spent in a time machine worth it?

You can learn a lot in a time machine, but you forget.


I stepped into a time machine six years ago

and a package just arrived with a note.

“Read these to remember,” it said.


Inside I find seven black notebooks

written in my handwriting when I was in the machine.

Notebooks filled with wisdom and sorrow

and proof. Proof that I lived.

Proof that time machines are real

and that time spent

in a time machine

is worth it.

Dear Depression

26 Aprimay, 2091

Dear Depression,

I hope this letter finds you well. We’ve been through a lot together. For over a decade, we’ve shared so many emotions and experiences. I wasn’t even aware of your existence for a while, but you were always in the background. I want you to know that I care about you. That’s what makes this so hard.

I’m leaving you. We’re finished.

I know I’ve prematurely declared victory before, but this time is different. In the past I’ve put a bandage on the sores, but never fully cut out the infection. I didn’t understand what happened and why I felt so confused, angry, sad, frustrated, guilty, alone, broken. Now I know things. I’ve seen five therapists. I take medication. I don’t drink the poison that I used to make me become another person so I could stop being me, if only for a night. I don’t need you anymore. With lots of help, I’ve assembled an arsenal to defend myself against your dirty tricks. I’m not going to fall into those same dark places. We are strong. We will not reproduce until we are fixed and even then we probably won’t reproduce. We know right from wrong. We will work to build community and show a better way to live and fight with the sacred weapons of love and compassion and the tool of listening.

In the couple of weeks since I’ve made this realization, there have been so many changes. Everything has become easier. The world is so much bigger now that I’m not scared of it. I don’t need to isolate because I’m better now. I’m going to be a force for good in this world and communicate effectively. A living ground of love for innumerable beings. I am ready to seek out new adventures, unburdened by negativity. I will be myself and be comfortable in my own skin. I will find purpose and meaning.

And I will do it without you.

Sincerely,

Drifter


27 Aprimay, 2091

Drifter,

I’ve gotta say, pal, you’re one of my favorite clients. We go through the same cycle over and over and I never get bored. We hang out night and day for months and then some little thing changes and you come back with this unexplainable confidence. You use words like “new” and “forever.” But I can always count on you for repeat business. Like clockwork.

Smell ya later,

Depression


18 Jugust, 2091

Dear Depression,

Well, here we are. It’s been a whole month and I’m still in control. I can wake up and go to work and do all of the things that I know keep you at bay, like yoga, journaling, calling my friend and going for a walk. It’s literally that easy but you’ve always made it seem so hard.

It’s weird though. I just feel bored sometimes. Like I don’t know what to do with my time. The other day I got on my computer and looked at all of my video games and for some reason I just didn’t feel like playing any of them. I guess we used to spend a lot of time together and it’s just kinda weird without you here. But I know it’s better this way. We aren’t good for each other. 

Sincerely,

Drifter


19 Jugust, 2091

Drifter,

Hah. You don’t know? You really don’t? I thought you were all smart and shit now. You don’t want to play video games because I’m back, baby. I’m right there over your shoulder. I’m that sinking feeling in your stomach when you close your front door after work and realize you are alone again. I’m the force that makes you whisper, “fuck,” under your breath every time you sit down or stand up or go outside or go inside.

Smell ya later,

Depression

P.S. I didn’t come back, I just never left.


4 Septober, 2091

Dear Depression,

OK, so I may have been backsliding for the past few weeks but that’s just because my boss is so hard to deal with. He doesn’t listen to me and I feel powerless and and and it’s like I’m just a kid again and I don’t have any agency in my life but I’m 32 years old what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so alone? Why do I push people away? Why can’t I hold a fucking job considering how many times my employer has told me I’m the best worker he’s ever had? I don’t have any respect for authority figures or parents or the patriarchy. I don’t believe in divine rule. I hate when my boss tells me I’m the best worker he’s ever had. Well guess what? You’re one of the worst bosses I’ve ever had so why don’t you try to prove yourself to me. Get on my level. I don’t have any respect for you. You only own a business because you’re a white man living in a nation founded on genocide and slavery.

I don’t even know why I’m writing to you. It just feels like everyone has betrayed me and I can’t trust anyone, but you are always there for me. You respond to me and listen. You are so predictable. You always provide that faint hope that there is always a way out. That warm feeling inside.

Sincerely,

Drifter


5 Septober, 2091

Drifter,

Let it flow through you. Your feelings are valid. Keep feeling them. You can’t trust anyone but me. It’s us against the world, baby. You know I will always be there for you.

You just keep drifting and never put down roots because you are just a scared little boy. You are running away from yourself. You don’t understand what is wrong with you. You were hallucinating back in Aprimay when you thought you cut out the infection. I am the only constant in your life. Give in to me.

Next time you see your boss, let him know how you really feel. You know he’s not a good person. Tear him to pieces. Go forth and cause pain, my child.

Smell ya later,

Depression


16 Decembrary, 2091

Dear Depression,

I made him cry. A 71-year-old man. My words made him cry and I meant every single one. I let him have it, full blast. What do I do with these feelings? I don’t have anyone at home because I don’t deserve anyone and I’m not worthy of happiness. It’s safer for everyone if I’m alone. Even safer if I’m neither. After every social interaction I remind myself why I should never do it again. Afterwards it always feels like I’m on fire and my brain is in a vise and my heart is drowning. I am so touch starved. I went to the doctor and they took a blood sample and the phlebotomist gently touched my forearm to look at my veins and I think that’s the most contact I’ve had in at least a year. I’m too weird now.

At some point I have to realize that I am the problem. I am the only constant in my life, well, I guess you’re always there too. But I can’t blame you. You’re my friend. My point is that I am always existing in my own life and if I feel frustrated and confused in every single friendship and interpersonal relationship and workplace relationship, then logically, I must be the problem. I can think about how this world isn’t real because capitalism has permanently and totally shifted the nature of reality on this planet but I still have to live in this world and I can’t change it because I’m useless and worthless and I can’t do anything right even though I’m the best worker.

Thanks, depression. You really are always there for me.

Sincerely,

Drifter

Prickly

wide

I used to come here when I was young

About a year-and-a-half ago

I had just quit my career and would sit on these rocks and listen to a podcast about depression

I felt like the broken glass next to the prickly desert cacti matched my demeanor

cacti

Now I’ve stumbled upon this little alcove and I remember what I was feeling back then

I was so lost and confused and angry

That hasn’t changed

But now I’m more comfortable with chaos and uncertainty

The seven seas don’t scare me as this boat continues to drift unmoored

Yet returning here, I feel older and I feel more disconnected

I feel more strongly than ever that I don’t understand anyone and that no one understands me

Putting the broken glass back together would be impossible

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